When I found out I was pregnant with Harper all of my friends could not have been more excited about the newest addition to our little family. Throughout my pregnancy, my friends were some of my biggest supporters. While Kevin worked nights, they took turns doing dinner with me to make sure me and baby Holt were fed; they registered for baby items with me; helped me decorate Harper's nursery; went with me to buy maternity clothes; and constantly sent me texts letting me know they loved, supported, and prayed for us daily. So when Harper arrived, I expected that same support to continue and our friendships to remain the same.
And for a while they did. For the first part of Harper's life, my friends called, text, and stopped by often. They brought us dinner. Offered to watch Harper for a few hours so we could nap. And some even offered to keep Harper for an hour or two just so Kevin and I could have a dinner alone every now and then. Things were going great. And then a few months went by and things shifted. Maybe it was the fact that the newness of a tiny baby had worn off or that my friends thought I was too busy for them after returning back to work, but many of my friends stopped calling, stopped texting, and stopped coming over. And you know what? It hurt. I always thought the hardest part of becoming a mom was going to be having to learn to adjust to the demands of a baby while working a job, keeping house, and being a wife all with practically no sleep. But for me that wasn't it. Call me selfish, but for me, the hardest part about becoming a mom has been watching the girls I thought would be my best friends for a lifetime, replace me with friends that don't have kids.
I'd like to say it's gotten easier with time but if I did, I'd be lying. Just this weekend I logged into one of my social media accounts and saw one of my friends post pictures with another friend. I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but I cried and for the briefest moment, I considered just deleting my social media accounts so I didn't have to see anymore because it cuts my heart like a knife. It hurts to watch yourself be replaced and know there isn't anything you can do about it. It hurts to constantly try to stay in touch only to be told by your closest friends that they're busy and don't know when they're going to be free; yet they're always hanging out with other people. But despite how much it hurts, the thing is, I get it and I don't blame them. I get that we aren't in the same place in our lives anymore. I get that they are single or married with no kids, so they surround themselves with the same sorts of people. And I hope and pray that one day that will change. Maybe when they have kids, they'll come back around and our kids will have playdates while we laugh at how things used to be.
But if not, that's ok because I also remind myself that not all of my friends have replaced me. I still have a couple of my best gals that I can count on to always be there. There's still that friend who I talk to every single day. The one that will traipse all around Greensboro or Danville with me every single weekend on my many shopping adventures. The friend who comes and rescues me when I get in over my head and chases Harper around while I tidy up and cook dinner. The friend that my daughter calls B and gets giddy about every time she comes over. And then there's that friend who will drive three hours from Wilmington just so we can have a girls day. The one who will send me random texts to let me know she loves and misses not just me but Harper as well. And the friend that ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS stops by whenever she is in town... even if it's just for five minutes. For those friends, I am grateful and don't know how I could navigate marriage and motherhood without them.
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So what about you? What was the hardest part of motherhood? Did your friends seem to replace you when you became a mom?
I've definitely noticed this with some of my old friends too, sweet girl. I try not to take it personally because I do understand that my single, unmarried friends with no kids just don't understand what my life as a wife and mom is like - so I try not to have that expectation of them. But it still hurts sometimes to feel a bit alienated and left out because of this. Being a mom can be a lonely existence sometimes. I am doing my best to try to make friends with other moms in my area simply because we have that mutual understanding that comes with being a parent - the understanding that includes the inability to plan things last minute because of the need for childcare, the need to be home at a certain time for bath and bedtime, and the lack of a desire to stay out too late because I know that I have to be up early with my little man. My single/non-parent friends just don't understand this!!! Thanks for sharing your heart today, sweet friend! And glad to hear that you have at least a few loyal friends who love you no matter what. I'd rather have a couple TRUE friends than dozens of friends that cannot be counted on!:)
ReplyDeleteAre you inside my head because I just had this conversation with myself the other day?! I know the feeling because friends that I had have just disappeared because they aren't married or don't have kids. For a while we still got invitations to things and then people started not inviting us because we had a child and that would ruin all the fun! It has totally made me learn who my true friends are although I get where they are coming from! Thanks for sharing! And I have to say that I am so thankful for my blog mamas because sometimes I feel like I have more of a relationship with y'all then my real life friends!
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I definitely know that feeling. It's even happened with family too. Some people went away as soon as we got married, and more left when we had Zaylen. I tend to think of it as their loss though. Zak and I were good friends to them and if they don't want to be around all because we added on to our family, then that's on them, have fun with their awesome lives!
ReplyDeleteMy story is different but I had all of the same feelings. I'm finally starting to accept that it is how it is and not question it too much. I don't have answers in my situation and it just sucks. I had a best friend for a few years we were really close and then suddenly she got engaged and now we never talk. I truly don't know what happened. And it's not like I'm single and going out all of the time I'm in a relationship too so it really just makes no sense to me what happened to our friendship. I was so sad and hurt and have definitely cried over it because I'm just confused and sad that were not close anymore. I wish I knew the reason why but I don't. It's just so hard when friends pull away regardless of the reason
ReplyDeleteSorry that was all over the place. My phone is being stupid. But I guess to end that I'll just say it really is hard and hurtful but we can be so thankful for our friends who are always there.
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